How?

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though it's waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of David,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations He has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease

to the end of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

He burns the shields with fire.

He says, 

"Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress."

Psalm 46

How do you prepare your heart for a big change? How do you find the words to say, knowing that in just a few short moments, the little one who you have loved and cherished and secretly wished would be yours one day, would be leaving you? What do you even pray when this precious gift from God lay sleeping in your arms on the way to meet her forever family? Knowing that her life is going to drastically change in just a few short moments, how do you even prepare her for all that lay ahead? How do you break the tie that bonds her and you so strongly together since the day she was placed in your arms over two years ago and find happiness and joy in all that the future holds?

Yesterday was not only one of the most special days but also one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. My little Sweetheart left to join her forever family. Please don’t misinterpret me, I am so very, very happy for her and her new family. I know that she is in the family who God had planned for her all along. Before she was even created, He knew who her family was, where they were, and when they would all be united. He knows her. He knows them. He knows the number of hairs on her head, He knows the little dimple in her cheek, and the soft baby scent of her skin. He knew what He was doing when He created her. And He knew the number of days that she would be in my care. From the very beginning, I tried to guard my heart. Okay, let’s be honest, I must not have tried very hard because from the very beginning, when this sweet child was placed in my arms and she grabbed onto my finger, I was in love. I knew that I would love this child like she was my own.

I remember witnessing each milestone she reached and rejoicing with her. When she learned to roll over, sit on her own, take her first steps, and run. I was there. When she was going through surgery, I was pacing in the waiting room like an anxious mama waiting to hear the news, any news, and praying her through. When her adoption paperwork was being completed and it was out of our hands, I was there, praying for her file to be placed into the right hands at the right time. I have prayed for this family for so long, it’s hard to believe the time is here. It has happened.

My heart is filled with joy for Sweetheart and her new family. She has an amazing family. A family who has loved and prayed for her for so long. I couldn't have hand picked a better family even if I had tried. God truly writes the best stories and His ways are best. But even though this time is filled with joy and happiness, my heart breaks. I sit here on my balcony, sipping my coffee and listening to the birds and I keep telling myself I need to head over to the foster and begin my day. But it is really, really hard. How can I walk into the foster home knowing that she will not be there to greet me? Running up to me with her arms outstretched and that adorable dimpled smile and yelling “On-a-knee!!!!” at the top of her lungs? How can I even walk into her room and see her bed stripped of her sheets and toys and waiting for another child to fill it's place?

How would I even prepare my heart for all the swirling emotions going on inside of me right now? This work is hard. Loving and letting go is hard. Change is hard. This is just the beginning of a series of change in my life. Yesterday not only did Sweetheart leave us, but Peanut also left to join his forever family. In just over two months, I will be leaving my home of 2 ½ years and moving back to the US. I can’t wait as I know it is time, but it is still hard. It is time to start preparing my heart for this huge upcoming transition, but how in the world do I do that? Yesterday morning during my quiet time with the Lord, as I was praying about all that lie ahead, He whispered to my soul, “I am with you. You will get through this.” And I will. I did. I will get through today, with the Lord’s help. I will get through the coming days and months of missing my little one, with the Lord’s help. And when I make my final trip (for now) across the ocean in a few short months, I will get through, with the Lord’s help. He is my strength because I would not have gotten through any of this without Him leading, guiding, and whispering words of affirmation and peace into my heart. And so I take one day at a time, one hour, one moment, and rely on Him to hold me up each step of the way.

And do you want to know the even more amazing part of this story? Is that it is only the beginning. Sweetheart's family have graciously added me to their family as well. I know that I will always have a place in her life and in her heart. Yes, it will be different, but it is just the next chapter. I can't wait to watch this little girl grow and thrive and see how the Lord will use her to bring Him glory, just as He has already done so in her life.

"God sets the lonely in families."

Psalm 68:6

Wordless Wednesday: Smiles

How Could I Not?

Little Peanut is home and doing well all things considered. After spending most of his short life in a hospital bed, we are trying to give him all the cuddles and love he missed while he was a lone in ICU.

I'm usually "on the go" whenever I'm in the foster home. Whether it's preparing for preschool, teaching preschool, working on developmental assessments, uploading pictures to out Facebook page, writing blog posts or who knows what else, I'm always doing something. Often I get so caught up in "doing something" that I forget to just stop and love on these precious children that are placed in my path. The other morning, I felt this urge to just cuddle with Peanut. And so I did just that. Gently lifted him out of his crib, I rocked him in my arms for about 30 minutes. I just marveled at how tiny his little fingers and how bright his eyes were. As I sat there, singing and praying over him, a thought hit me:

How could I not believe that God works miracles today when I am literally holding a miracle in my arms?

Hmmm, that is very true. I have friends and family going through difficult things. Things I pray about but honestly don't see or know how it will all be worked out. How God will work and move. But after holding this little one, those doubts began to fall away. After all, if the God of the universe decided to heal this precious little orphan boy, can't He do all things? He can indeed.

I am in the process of figuring out travel details for my trip back to the US over the holidays. Flights have been changed and in order to contact who I need it, it's either very late at night for me or very early. All that on top of a sketchy internet connection makes it beyond frustrating. However, I am trying to keep all of this in perspective and that God can indeed work a miracle... even a travel miracle. And I am praying for just that.

Wordless Wednesday: Sweet Miracle Boy

Miracle in Our Midst?

When I watch this little Treasure sleeping, I can’t help it but stand amazed at the hand of God. Remember just 5 months ago when I sent out an emergency prayer request asking you all to pray for a miracle? The doctors were giving her no hope. Children with her condition never left the hospital alive. "You might as well give upon her," they said. But of course, we know that there is always hope. No matter how slim it looks, in Christ there is a hope. And He indeed worked a miracle. I still stand amazed. Do you know what I think? God was planning on healing her all along but He was waiting for His people to stand up and cover this little one in prayer. To trust Him in a miracle and then to watch His hand at work.

We are in need of another miracle. Peanut is not doing well. He was transferred to a better hospital last night and his condition is quite serious. As we sit and listen to the doctor’s, it’s easy to become discouraged. He is so sick…. What hope is there for him? But as we have already stated, there is always hope. Won’t you please pray for another miracle? Pray that the peace of Christ will fill his heart as well.

Do we have another miracle in our midst? We very well may.

Not Forgotten

You may recall that I wrote a post a few weeks back titled Broken. Remember how I was planning on taking the afternoon off and "celebrating" the 4th of July? Instead I went to meet this new little Peanut at the hospital. This little one who was abandoned that very morning. This sweetie was released from the hospital the other day and is now safe and sound and home with us. We couldn't be more thrilled to love him back to health.

Although yes, he is home with us, he is not "out of the woods." This little one is tiny, small, and weak. I've never seen such a small two-month old baby. Won't you continue to lift Peanut up? Pray that God would give him strength and that he would gain weight.

He was left, abandoned, but he was NOT forgotten. God Almighty holds this little treasure in His loving arms. He wept silent tears when this little boy was left, when for whatever the circumstances were, his birth family was unable to keep him. The God who made him, knows him, and loves him has not forgotten this precious child. He is made in the image of God. And God is going to turn this heartbreaking story into a story that shares His love, grace, and redemption.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

Psalm 139:13-14