"Do You Trust Me?"

http://rachturner.wordpress.com/2012/09/12/tired-of-fighting/

This is a verse that I'm sure I have heard before, but continues to be on my heart over and over again these last few days. When a verse continues to just "show up," I know that the Lord is trying to share something with me. 

This season in my life is very strange. It's been hard but yet not as hard as I thought it would be. I think the hardest part of this season is the "not knowing." But then I am reminded how God knows. How He has a plan. How He provided for me all that I needed to go to China and remain there for as long as I did, and that He will indeed provide once again. This verse reminds me not that I need to be still and not do anything to try to find what it is that the Lord will call me to next, but to be still and wait for His plan to unfold when the time is right. 

I have started the job search. Part of me wishes I could just skip this part. Skip past the looking, researching, and applying, the interviewing, and the waiting. After being so busy in China all the time, it's hard to be not quite so busy now. It's hard just being but that is right where I am right now. Besides, if I did skip all this, I would miss what He is doing here, right now in this season of my life. And even though at the moment it doesn't seem like a very important season, I'm almost positive that I'll look back on this time in my life someday and see His hand at work through it all.

This is also a season when the doubts begin to creep in. I wonder when something will work out and where and how. Something the Lord keeps whispering to my soul this past week is, "Anneli, do you trust me?" That is a hard question. I say I do and I know I do. But then my actions and emotions don't necessarily show that. Do I REALLY trust Him? Do I trust Him that He knows what is best? That He knows the timing of all things? I do, Lord. I do want to trust you through this confusing season of my life.

So that is where I am right now. Waiting for Him to lead and guide me. And trying to relax in the process and just enjoy this slower paced season He has me in. 

How?

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though it's waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of David,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations He has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease

to the end of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

He burns the shields with fire.

He says, 

"Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress."

Psalm 46

How do you prepare your heart for a big change? How do you find the words to say, knowing that in just a few short moments, the little one who you have loved and cherished and secretly wished would be yours one day, would be leaving you? What do you even pray when this precious gift from God lay sleeping in your arms on the way to meet her forever family? Knowing that her life is going to drastically change in just a few short moments, how do you even prepare her for all that lay ahead? How do you break the tie that bonds her and you so strongly together since the day she was placed in your arms over two years ago and find happiness and joy in all that the future holds?

Yesterday was not only one of the most special days but also one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. My little Sweetheart left to join her forever family. Please don’t misinterpret me, I am so very, very happy for her and her new family. I know that she is in the family who God had planned for her all along. Before she was even created, He knew who her family was, where they were, and when they would all be united. He knows her. He knows them. He knows the number of hairs on her head, He knows the little dimple in her cheek, and the soft baby scent of her skin. He knew what He was doing when He created her. And He knew the number of days that she would be in my care. From the very beginning, I tried to guard my heart. Okay, let’s be honest, I must not have tried very hard because from the very beginning, when this sweet child was placed in my arms and she grabbed onto my finger, I was in love. I knew that I would love this child like she was my own.

I remember witnessing each milestone she reached and rejoicing with her. When she learned to roll over, sit on her own, take her first steps, and run. I was there. When she was going through surgery, I was pacing in the waiting room like an anxious mama waiting to hear the news, any news, and praying her through. When her adoption paperwork was being completed and it was out of our hands, I was there, praying for her file to be placed into the right hands at the right time. I have prayed for this family for so long, it’s hard to believe the time is here. It has happened.

My heart is filled with joy for Sweetheart and her new family. She has an amazing family. A family who has loved and prayed for her for so long. I couldn't have hand picked a better family even if I had tried. God truly writes the best stories and His ways are best. But even though this time is filled with joy and happiness, my heart breaks. I sit here on my balcony, sipping my coffee and listening to the birds and I keep telling myself I need to head over to the foster and begin my day. But it is really, really hard. How can I walk into the foster home knowing that she will not be there to greet me? Running up to me with her arms outstretched and that adorable dimpled smile and yelling “On-a-knee!!!!” at the top of her lungs? How can I even walk into her room and see her bed stripped of her sheets and toys and waiting for another child to fill it's place?

How would I even prepare my heart for all the swirling emotions going on inside of me right now? This work is hard. Loving and letting go is hard. Change is hard. This is just the beginning of a series of change in my life. Yesterday not only did Sweetheart leave us, but Peanut also left to join his forever family. In just over two months, I will be leaving my home of 2 ½ years and moving back to the US. I can’t wait as I know it is time, but it is still hard. It is time to start preparing my heart for this huge upcoming transition, but how in the world do I do that? Yesterday morning during my quiet time with the Lord, as I was praying about all that lie ahead, He whispered to my soul, “I am with you. You will get through this.” And I will. I did. I will get through today, with the Lord’s help. I will get through the coming days and months of missing my little one, with the Lord’s help. And when I make my final trip (for now) across the ocean in a few short months, I will get through, with the Lord’s help. He is my strength because I would not have gotten through any of this without Him leading, guiding, and whispering words of affirmation and peace into my heart. And so I take one day at a time, one hour, one moment, and rely on Him to hold me up each step of the way.

And do you want to know the even more amazing part of this story? Is that it is only the beginning. Sweetheart's family have graciously added me to their family as well. I know that I will always have a place in her life and in her heart. Yes, it will be different, but it is just the next chapter. I can't wait to watch this little girl grow and thrive and see how the Lord will use her to bring Him glory, just as He has already done so in her life.

"God sets the lonely in families."

Psalm 68:6

Conviction

My daily devotional this morning ("Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young) really convicted me. I want to share it with you:

"Stay calmly conscious of Me today, no matter what. Remember that I go before you as well as with you into the day. Nothing takes Me by surprise. I will not allow circumstances to overwhelm you, so long as you look to Me. I will help you cope with whatever the moment presents. Collaborating with Me brings blessings that far outweigh all your troubles. Awareness of My Presence contains Joy that can endure all eventualities."

Wow, I think today's passage was written just for me. The last few days I have become so distracted by my "circumstances." I have definitely allowed them to overwhelm me rather than looking to Him. This weird thing that is going on with my ear has not only made me nervous but caused me to become upset and anxious and rather than look to Him, I have been trying to fix it by myself. Yes, I have been praying over it but I am sad to admit that was not my first choice. God knows what's going on and He is with me and WILL heal me. None of this has taken Him by surprise. This day, I am looking to Him and choosing joy in Him.

If you are following along with my Psalm 139 reading, today's passage is found in verse 4:

"Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely."

Answered Prayer

God is faithful ALL THE TIME. Thank you for all of you who have been standing with me and praying for my ear infection. I am not quite sure when it happened, but at some point during the day Sunday, my ear began opening up. Wasn't a "pop" or anything but I know I talked to my Mom in the morning it was still plugged, and when I met with a friend for dinner, it was not. Yesterday (Monday) it was still unplugged although again, not completely back. This morning, it is plugged again. Not as bad as it was last week, but definitely worse than yesterday. I have full confidence that God will completely heal me and that this ear will open up again and this time 100% and will stay unplugged. Thank you for your prayers.

Today's passage in my Reading through Psalm 139 is verse 2:

"You know when I sit and when I rise; You perceive my thoughts from afar."

Psalm 139

I have wanted to spend more time meditating on scripture. I usually am one to read large amounts of scripture rather than just a verse two and focusing on those. With inspiration from another blog, (thanks Andrea!), I have decided to read through Psalm 139 for the next 24 days. There are 24 verses, so one verse a day. If you would like to join me, feel free too! I'll be posting the passage for the day at the end of each blog post.

"You have searched me, Lord, and you know me." (Psalm 139:1)

When I decided earlier this afternoon to do this 24 day reading, I read verse 1 right away. Now, I have read this passage many times but something about just reading one verse and quoting it over and over again in my mind throughout the day, is really powerful. He KNOWS me. He really knows me. All my thoughts, fears, joys, sorrows, and insecurities. He knows it all. My past, the present, and my future. Nothing is hidden from His sight.