It's Hard

This is a post I've been thinking about the last couple of days and debated whether to write about it or not. I guess we all sometimes just want to be positive and write about happy things and when things are going well. But when I have moments of weakness, I feel that those are important to share as well. 

It's important to be real and honest.

To not only write about the good, but to write about the hard too.

 For as long as I can absolutely remember, I have wanted to be a Mom. I would play dress up and with dolls until I was much older than I probably should have been! When I grew up, all I ever wanted to be was a Mom. And that was my answer until I was 18 years old to anyone who asked, 

"Anneli, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"A Mom."

That's all I ever wanted. 

I couldn't have cared less about a "career" or making lots of money or being a hard working business woman. 

Not that any of those are bad things necessarily, they were just not for me.

Never what I wanted.

I never really dated through high school or college because honestly I'm pretty picky about who I'll date. : ) 

I wasn't just going to date any guy! 

And I guess deep down I thought that I would meet someone soon after college, get married, and have children.

Well.... I will be celebrating my 27th birthday next month and I'm still waiting. 

Yes, I've dated but it never worked out. 

Haven't found the one.

I'm at the age where so many of my friends are getting married or have been married for several years now.

Now I'm to the stage where they are having BABIES and ADOPTING! 

Something I still want. 

Have always wanted. 

But yet, "what about me, God?"

"Have you forgotten me? 

Forgotten my hopes and dreams and desires?

Yes, I'm doing a wonderful thing. I love what I am doing, loving these children in China.

But ultimately I want to adopt them.

I want to make them mine."

As I follow adoption blog after adoption blog, I sometimes think maybe I shouldn't, because it makes me too sad sometimes.

I get too sad dreaming about the day that I will be the one getting married.

I will be the one announcing I'm pregnant or starting the adoption process.

 As I received an email from another friend the other day sharing me her exciting news that she is pregnant, I couldn't help but cry.

I'm happy for her, I really am.

But I just broke down.

It's not necessarily the fact that I'm 27 and not even seeing anyone.

Or married.

It's the fact that my friends are having kids.

And by the time it is my turn, who will I raise my kids with? 

All my friends kids will be grown.

All that to say, it's hard sometimes.

It's hard following Jesus and it's hard waiting on His timing.
And it's hard being almost 27 years old and in a place where it is nearly impossible to meet "someone." Goodness, I'm still trying to meet new friends!

But I know His timing is best.

I guess sometimes I just really don't "get it."

I don't understand what He is doing.

But I guess that's not mine to know. 

I don't have to know what He's doing.

I just have to trust Him that He knows what He's doing.

I know my husband is out there somewhere.

Where? Wish I knew.

When? Wish I knew.

How? Wish I knew.

But I don't. So Lord, give me the strength to find my joy and purpose in You. And trust you in my moments of weakness and loneliness.

After I wrote this, realized it'll post on Valentine's Day. How appropriate! : )