Wednesday, February 13, 2013

It's Hard

This is a post I've been thinking about the last couple of days and debated whether to write about it or not. I guess we all sometimes just want to be positive and write about happy things and when things are going well. But when I have moments of weakness, I feel that those are important to share as well. 
It's important to be real and honest.
To not only write about the good, but to write about the hard too.
 For as long as I can absolutely remember, I have wanted to be a Mom. I would play dress up and with dolls until I was much older than I probably should have been! When I grew up, all I ever wanted to be was a Mom. And that was my answer until I was 18 years old to anyone who asked, 
"Anneli, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A Mom."
That's all I ever wanted. 
I couldn't have cared less about a "career" or making lots of money or being a hard working business woman. 
Not that any of those are bad things necessarily, they were just not for me.
Never what I wanted.

I never really dated through high school or college because honestly I'm pretty picky about who I'll date. : ) 
I wasn't just going to date any guy! 
And I guess deep down I thought that I would meet someone soon after college, get married, and have children.

Well.... I will be celebrating my 27th birthday next month and I'm still waiting. 
Yes, I've dated but it never worked out. 
Haven't found the one.

I'm at the age where so many of my friends are getting married or have been married for several years now.
Now I'm to the stage where they are having BABIES and ADOPTING! 
Something I still want. 
Have always wanted. 
But yet, "what about me, God?"
"Have you forgotten me? 
Forgotten my hopes and dreams and desires?
Yes, I'm doing a wonderful thing. I love what I am doing, loving these children in China.
But ultimately I want to adopt them.
I want to make them mine."

As I follow adoption blog after adoption blog, I sometimes think maybe I shouldn't, because it makes me too sad sometimes.
I get too sad dreaming about the day that I will be the one getting married.
I will be the one announcing I'm pregnant or starting the adoption process.
 As I received an email from another friend the other day sharing me her exciting news that she is pregnant, I couldn't help but cry.
I'm happy for her, I really am.
But I just broke down.
It's not necessarily the fact that I'm 27 and not even seeing anyone.
Or married.
It's the fact that my friends are having kids.
And by the time it is my turn, who will I raise my kids with? 
All my friends kids will be grown.
All that to say, it's hard sometimes.
It's hard following Jesus and it's hard waiting on His timing.
And it's hard being almost 27 years old and in a place where it is nearly impossible to meet "someone." Goodness, I'm still trying to meet new friends!

But I know His timing is best.
I guess sometimes I just really don't "get it."
I don't understand what He is doing.
But I guess that's not mine to know. 
I don't have to know what He's doing.
I just have to trust Him that He knows what He's doing.

I know my husband is out there somewhere.
Where? Wish I knew.
When? Wish I knew.
How? Wish I knew.

But I don't. So Lord, give me the strength to find my joy and purpose in You. And trust you in my moments of weakness and loneliness.

After I wrote this, realized it'll post on Valentine's Day. How appropriate! : )



15 comments:

  1. It will happen. In time ! Don't worry, don't fear or dwell ! Hold on to hope and know it will all work out. Sometimes even miracles take a little time. I am 40 and have a 3 year old little one from China! Our friends kids are older than ours but she keeps us young ! I often thank God for unanswered prayers , for he lead us to our true miracle!

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    1. Thanks so much for your encouragement, Even Miracles! I know it will happen and in God's timing, not mine. Thankfully I have lots of friends much younger than me so I guess I'll definitely have someone to raise children with!

      Blessings,
      Anneli

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  2. happy Valentine's day, Anneli! I will pray for you. I have several friends in your same shoes, and my heart aches for you. I don't really have any words that aren't cliches, but he is out there somewhere, as long as you are open to see him when God brings him into your life! :)
    floral&fudge

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers, Rachel. I know that I am not alone in this and that it will happen in His timing, not mine.

      Blessings,
      Anneli

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  3. I love the way you are using this season of singleness to bring glory to God and serve him. In fact, I'm almost a little bit jealous. :) I got married at 20 and became a mom at 23...yet looking back I would have LOVED the chance to be "on the field" for awhile before settling down. This experience is one you'll never be able to trade. And hey, you don't qualify to adopt age-wise for a few more years anyway. You've still got plenty of time! :)

    Love you!!!

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    1. Haha, no need to be jealous, Tara. :) I often think I'm crazy for living over here when it's "prime time" to meet someone! I know one day I will look back and see how God's hand was at work in all of this, even living here. And yes, I see glimpses of it now, but when I take my eyes off Him and look to my circumstances, that is when the sadness and impatience come. And yes, I have 3 years until I'm even eligible to adopt!

      Thanks for the encouragement!

      Blessings,
      Anneli

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    2. I am not saying that He has your man here for you . . . I've had plenty of single girl friends move back "home" and find their guy (though sometimes not for many years!) . . . And a few still wait . . . But I just HAVE to chime in and say that I would never have crossed paths with my husband outside of China! We were engaged and married (in my 27th year) in Tianjin. And you know, meeting him here sure did simplify a lot of those 'biggies' that dating couples talk about: calling, for example! We also both volunteered at the same orphanage on a regular basis before our dating days . . . Yu never know!!

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    3. Thank you for your insight! You are totally right, one just never knows. :)

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  4. You are all absolutely WONDERFUL! Thank you so much for your encouragement!

    Blessings,
    Anneli

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  5. I just know that God is preparing a very special man to be your husband one day! You are too amazing of a person for just anyone!! And, your friends will still be raising kids, maybe just at different stages and they will relish holding yours!! Hang in there--I know it must be hard. We are praying for your heart!

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    1. Thank you, Debbie. You are too sweet! Thank you so much for your prayers!

      Blessings,
      Anneli

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  6. I appreciate your honesty and transparency. It must be so so tough. I do know, though, that the same God who gave you the faith to be where you are right now is also able to sustain you through this waiting period. I can't wait to see what future the Lord has for you! {HUGS}

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    1. Yes, He will and has. I just take my eyes off Him once in a while and that is when I get into trouble! Thanks for your encouragement! Can't wait to follow your journey to your girls!

      Blessings,
      Anneli

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