Monday, May 21, 2012

Breaking my Heart for What Breaks His

I am sorry for my lack of posts the last few days. I was in need of a blogging break. A chance to disconnect and to process.
I have been in China for over 2 months now. Some days it feels like I just got here, other days it feels like I’ve been here for years. God is doing a lot in me. He is breaking my heart for what breaks His. He is giving me joy like I have never known before, and He is healing my heart as well.
Other days though, it is just really hard. I get lonely and I miss my family, friends, and the comforts of home. And some days I just get so frustrated here. I hate that I can’t walk down the street without being stared down, that I can’t go the grocery store without being stared at, or sit outside and read without being stared at. I hate that I can’t communicate and that even the simplest things are not “simple” in China.
Sometimes I don’t even know what to write. How do I explain my life here? How do I put it into words? Most days, I don’t’ even know how to process it myself let alone put it on paper (or in a blog post)!
God is doing something in my heart, that is all I know. I can’t even explain it. I work with orphans. Some of the most precious children I have ever met. And each of them have come to mean more to me than I ever could have imagined. I love them so much, it hurts. It hurts me when they hurt. When I know that they are sad and they just crave that love and attention of a family, it breaks my heart. And I know that it breaks my Heavenly Father’s heart as well. He never intended for there to be orphans. But we live in a fallen, broken world.
Sometimes I feel guilty that I have an amazing family. Yesterday morning I called my parents. As I was leaving the playroom to call them, I didn’t want to tell one of my little ones that I was calling my “mama,” because he doesn’t have one. And when I came back into the playroom, he was sitting there, crying. I picked him up, asking him what was wrong, when one of our local college students who volunteers once a week told me, “he was waiting for you.” Ouch. I wasn’t holding this little guy who doesn’t have a Mom, because I was talking to MY Mom. I don’t know how much more of this heart breaking stuff I can take! When I feel like I can’t take anymore, God gives me strength and joy.
The wonderful thing is, that there is hope. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us that God has a plan for each of us. Plans to give us a “future and a hope.” I feel like I am learning more about my Father’s love for me in the love I have for these children. God calls us to care for the widows and the orphans in their distress. And my kids are distressed some times, especially when they first come to us. But God is good. He loves the orphans, I know that they hold a special place in His heart. And he has a plan for each and every one of them. Just as I know He has a plan for me.
*sigh*…. enough of that deep talk. Goodness, such a tough thing to wrap my mind around! But thankfully, when I feel like I have nothing left to give, He fills me up and gives me the strength I need.
Now to lighten the mood, a few pictures of my girlies from the other day.

“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.”
Galatians 5:6

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