How?

"God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

though it's waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of David,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

He lifts His voice, the earth melts.

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations He has brought on the earth.

He makes wars cease

to the end of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

He burns the shields with fire.

He says, 

"Be still and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth."

The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress."

Psalm 46

How do you prepare your heart for a big change? How do you find the words to say, knowing that in just a few short moments, the little one who you have loved and cherished and secretly wished would be yours one day, would be leaving you? What do you even pray when this precious gift from God lay sleeping in your arms on the way to meet her forever family? Knowing that her life is going to drastically change in just a few short moments, how do you even prepare her for all that lay ahead? How do you break the tie that bonds her and you so strongly together since the day she was placed in your arms over two years ago and find happiness and joy in all that the future holds?

Yesterday was not only one of the most special days but also one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. My little Sweetheart left to join her forever family. Please don’t misinterpret me, I am so very, very happy for her and her new family. I know that she is in the family who God had planned for her all along. Before she was even created, He knew who her family was, where they were, and when they would all be united. He knows her. He knows them. He knows the number of hairs on her head, He knows the little dimple in her cheek, and the soft baby scent of her skin. He knew what He was doing when He created her. And He knew the number of days that she would be in my care. From the very beginning, I tried to guard my heart. Okay, let’s be honest, I must not have tried very hard because from the very beginning, when this sweet child was placed in my arms and she grabbed onto my finger, I was in love. I knew that I would love this child like she was my own.

I remember witnessing each milestone she reached and rejoicing with her. When she learned to roll over, sit on her own, take her first steps, and run. I was there. When she was going through surgery, I was pacing in the waiting room like an anxious mama waiting to hear the news, any news, and praying her through. When her adoption paperwork was being completed and it was out of our hands, I was there, praying for her file to be placed into the right hands at the right time. I have prayed for this family for so long, it’s hard to believe the time is here. It has happened.

My heart is filled with joy for Sweetheart and her new family. She has an amazing family. A family who has loved and prayed for her for so long. I couldn't have hand picked a better family even if I had tried. God truly writes the best stories and His ways are best. But even though this time is filled with joy and happiness, my heart breaks. I sit here on my balcony, sipping my coffee and listening to the birds and I keep telling myself I need to head over to the foster and begin my day. But it is really, really hard. How can I walk into the foster home knowing that she will not be there to greet me? Running up to me with her arms outstretched and that adorable dimpled smile and yelling “On-a-knee!!!!” at the top of her lungs? How can I even walk into her room and see her bed stripped of her sheets and toys and waiting for another child to fill it's place?

How would I even prepare my heart for all the swirling emotions going on inside of me right now? This work is hard. Loving and letting go is hard. Change is hard. This is just the beginning of a series of change in my life. Yesterday not only did Sweetheart leave us, but Peanut also left to join his forever family. In just over two months, I will be leaving my home of 2 ½ years and moving back to the US. I can’t wait as I know it is time, but it is still hard. It is time to start preparing my heart for this huge upcoming transition, but how in the world do I do that? Yesterday morning during my quiet time with the Lord, as I was praying about all that lie ahead, He whispered to my soul, “I am with you. You will get through this.” And I will. I did. I will get through today, with the Lord’s help. I will get through the coming days and months of missing my little one, with the Lord’s help. And when I make my final trip (for now) across the ocean in a few short months, I will get through, with the Lord’s help. He is my strength because I would not have gotten through any of this without Him leading, guiding, and whispering words of affirmation and peace into my heart. And so I take one day at a time, one hour, one moment, and rely on Him to hold me up each step of the way.

And do you want to know the even more amazing part of this story? Is that it is only the beginning. Sweetheart's family have graciously added me to their family as well. I know that I will always have a place in her life and in her heart. Yes, it will be different, but it is just the next chapter. I can't wait to watch this little girl grow and thrive and see how the Lord will use her to bring Him glory, just as He has already done so in her life.

"God sets the lonely in families."

Psalm 68:6