Friday, October 19, 2012

Not Sure

If someone were to ask me “how I am,” I’m honestly not sure how I would answer that. There is a “process” that one goes through when they move to another country and there are bound to be times when they hit a “rut.”

I think I’m there.

I have been in China for 7 months. Well 6, if you count my month home in August. However, even though I wasn’t physically in China, my heart was still here. So I count that as still being here.

I just feel in a fog.
And honestly at the moment, I’m not sure how much I even like China.
Maybe it’s because things have been going non stop since I arrived “home” the end of August.
Maybe it’s because the holidays are approaching and I know how much it’ll hurt to be away from my family and friends.
Maybe it’s because I am still “adjusting.” Yes, even though I have been here over half a year though, it takes time. I’ve heard of some people being in a new country for 2 years before it begins to really “feel like home.”
Maybe it’s because it’s nearly impossible to keep in touch with everyone back home.
Maybe it’s because it’s “fall” but to me it feels like “summer.”
Maybe it’s because I have no idea how long God will call me to this land and at the moment I’m not sure that I’m okay with not knowing.
Or perhaps when the time comes to “go home,” where will home be?
I’m different.
I have changed.
God has broken my heart for what breaks His.
But it is painful.
And it is hard.
In all honestly, this afternoon I just wanted to give up.
Wanted to call it quits, and book the next ticket home.

But I know He’s not done with me here yet.
He’s still working in me and through me.
But it hurts.
Sometimes I just want to be home where it is comfortable.
I want to sit and chat with my Mom.
I want to cuddle with my sister on the couch watching a movie, eating popcorn on a Friday night.
I want to get together with my girlfriends and study His Word and pray.

I know I sound selfish right now and honestly I have no idea where this post is going.
But this is my heart.
I’m struggling.
I need prayer.
And strength to keep going.
Therefore, since I don’t have answers, I will get on my knees once again before the One who holds my heart.
And the answers.


  1. Amen and amen, Anneli. Thanks for being honest and sharing with us your heart. It is a small reminder and encouragement that sometimes it still hurts to be right where God wants us. He doesn't promise a "sweet spot" when we give ourselves to Him, that has no struggle or difficult time. Sounds like you are a Peter right now learning to do the impossible and trust God's extended hand when you know we don't walk on water alone. I love you!

  2. Praying for you Anneli!!!!
    Wish we could come hug you right now! (we got a lot of hugs in our family!) But since we can't , we'll just step up the prayers for you!
    It is in the valley where we find God's presence like never before...

  3. Anneli - the other day I posted on FB about how blessed you are to be where you are. And I have been nudged by Him a few times since then that I needed to contact you and let you know that I realize it isn't all roses. Of course in the grand scheme of things you are thankful to be where He wants you, but you are still a young person far from loved ones and living in a crazy seemingly upside down world. Is free reading this I knew I needed to speak up and apologize for my glib comment and let you know that I would be honoured to pray for you in a more focused way. Praying He brings you joyful surprises today, Anneli!

  4. Ohhh, Anneli ~
    This post brought me to tears. I could honestly feel your heart, almost as though I were right there with you, feeling your very emotions. I just know that often in the midst of the battle, when God has the greatest things in store, is when the enemy wants us to throw in the towel. I know you are trusting Him in your every move, even when you don't 'feel' like it. Your honesty is a beautiful thing and it helps us know how to pray for you. I admire you on so many levels. The strength and courage it takes to do what you are doing. I pray that he sends some solid friendships your way soon. Someone who you can really bond and connect with to help your time there, to be more bearable in the lonely and homesick times.

    Sending lots of love and BIG HUGS your way!♥ You are such a treasure, my friend!!


  5. Hugs, hugs! Let me know if you want to chat!


  6. Praying for sunshine for you!! :-(
    Thank you for your honesty Anneli! Hopefully just by writing it you felt somewhat better (and of course by talking to your mom and dad.)
    You are truly a blessing to so many and I'm praying that the richness of that overshadows the gloomy times very soon. I'm so sorry for missing family so! Hugs to you!--Maybe you should treat yourself to some coffee creamer? :-)

  7. I'm just now reading this, but praying as I type. . . I understand Anneli, been there, done that. And I particularly emphasize with your wanting to know how long this will be home and realizing you've changed and even the definition of home changes. Anyway, know you are loved and that God will hold your hand in every difficult moment. Praying for lots of moments of joy and contentment in the midst of longing and confusion.


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